i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I came so hard my ears popped.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
