Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
