i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Randomize
