You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Randomize
