every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
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