I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
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