just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
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