I have demons in me.
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
