So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
so much tequila, so little girl.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
