When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
