where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Randomize
