Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
