and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
You can't special order awesome
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
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