dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
