Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Is that strawberry winking at me??
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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