at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Randomize
