I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Only if I get to be Gritty
How would you be Gritty for a fantasy hockey league?
Don't worry about it.
Randomize
