Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
