I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Randomize
