You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
