I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
