don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Randomize
