the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
