And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
