I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
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