Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
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