If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I have feelings that need drinking.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Randomize
