Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
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