When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
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