You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Randomize
