he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
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