I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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