There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
