So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
