Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
