If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
