Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
grandma shit on top of the toilet
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
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