The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Randomize
