It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
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