i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
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