dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
