i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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