She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
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