Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
