she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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