it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
