alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
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