Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Randomize
