I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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