you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
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